Clueless (R )

Clueless © 1/2/2007 Bob Mullany
(PG13 version)

It seems life should be so simple, but we make it so complex
Be it the poetry of love, or the biology of sex
We get discombobulated, as we’re pondering our mate,
Is it really love you're feeling, or just something that you ate ?
It seemed so elementary when we first went off to school,
They say, "Treat each other kindly", it’s one simple golden rule,
It gets complicated quickly, when you’re out on that first date,
Should you try to kiss her now, or be a gentleman, and wait ?
As for me, I was a Catholic boy, as shy and free of sin
As a hermit crab gone hiding as the tide is coming in.

High school can be cruel, if you’re not cool as you should be,
We were parked out at the lake, I'm sweating uncontrollably,
Does this cute girl really like me, is that why she’s here with me ?
If I try to slip her tongue, will she freak out, or laugh at me ?
If I ask her to the backseat, will she think that I’m a creep
(I'd love to cop a feel, but now my arm just went to sleep)
When I go to make my next move, am I early, am I late ?
Should I try for the trifecta, or go home and masturbate ?
A thousand burning questions fog my brain, what shall I do ?
Then, she says, “I should go home, now” , as my balls are turning blue !

Then off we go to college, and the pressure to perform
Goes up another notch, ‘cause there’s no parents in the dorm,
As the alcohol flows freely, you may be the Beer Pong king,
But some lovely college women aren't impressed by such a thing,
So be careful what you say, and pay attention when she speaks,
She may be a violent feminist, or some tantric yoga freak
If you don’t learn to read the signs, it could be a long five years,
Because the wrath of college women scorned can be much worse than your fears.
Still, some hope for a hookup, or a husband they can wed,
With some luck, you’ll get some action if you find one in your bed.

For some time, I've been a grownup, and some people call me boss,
As to understanding women, I confess that I’m still lost,
There's the mysteries of life, and evolution, and creation,
Yet, it seems, in time, some scientist will find some explanation,
There’s the secrets of the pyramids, and a unifying theory
Then, there’s that overwhelming mystery of the woman that you marry
I’m not saying you don’t love her, it’s a complicated question
But is it really love you're feeling or just clinical depression ?
I love my wife and daughter, but when I die, I hope to see
God turns out to be a woman, and she’ll explain it all to me

© 1/2/2007 Bob Mullany